kiD's LoUd spEakErS

aLonE

2005-09-26T00:34:00.000+08:00

been counting the days 'till my birthday. roughly 3 weeks, give or take. but apparently i've been counting far more than that. in 3 weeks time, it will be 24 years since i was born, and i've never felt this feeling before. that i am alone. that i have no one to share myself with. that for the past 24 years, i've never experienced how it is to part of something greater than myself. i've never really been bothered by it, but i guess sooner or later i'll come across this feeling no matter what. 24 years, and still i haven't had gone through a relationship. that i've never learned how it is to feel that someone out there cares for me. in a time when almost everyone i know is in the stage wherein they're probably looking out on the idea of possibly settling down, i haven't even had 1 single relationship to call my own. and as much as i would like to dismiss the idea, i feel alone.

you know when you're back in high school you have all this great ideas about falling in love and all that stuff. and when you're young and indestructible you tend to ride on these ideas and believe that nothing else can stop you. that you still had the faith to believe in things you can neither see or hear. well i had that, too. always believed that when you do things the right way, you can never go wrong. i was naive, but i believed. went through several experiences that would've made dawson, pacey and joey's problems seem kidstuff. but still i believed. in faith, trust, honesty, all those things that you ought to believe in.

but i've been through high school, been through college, been back in high school but as part of the other side, and still nothing happened. did all things right, still got the wrong end of the deal. and you can only keep the faith for so long. and i guess i'm growing up. all of us had to grow up. and i thought growing up was just a matter of thinking differently, acting differently. but apparently not. i've just realized that growing up means learning the word impossible. when you're a kid coming out, braveheart stuff, everything is possible. but growing up, you learn that some things are possible, some are not. and as it is, for me, relationships fall under the category impossible.

why am i still alone? i could give a couple hundred reasons, but they wouldn't be reasons at all. they'd just be excuses. bottomline? i am not good enough for anyone on the face of the planet. that's basically it. and i'm so tired of being good enough for other people and still falling short. i feel so drained already, of always believing and falling short. it's always hard to give everything you have just to keep your head above the water. and still i am alone. that's just the way it is. i ain't good enough for nobody. ugly, but true.

the truth is like sushi. no garnishings, served raw. and the way it just goes, guess i have to swallow that sushi whole. that some people's hands will always find a hand to hold on to, others have their hands empty for the rest of their lives. that i am one of those who hold on to believe in finding the most wonderful treasures of their lives, but will never ever get to find it. that you can come really close but never actually hold it in your hands

am i sad? yeah. it's never a happy thought when you think that you're no good for anyone else. that you're never good enough for the one person who you think is the best treasure in the world. that after all this belief, you still are alone. and that you will never, ever find that one person that will give you a chance to be part of something greater than your own.

24 years of being alone and counting.

yOu'Re bEaUtiFuL - jaMeS bLunT

2005-09-26T00:20:00.000+08:00

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F**king high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

cRosS mY hEaRT - eVeRythInG buT thE girL

2005-09-20T03:36:00.000+08:00

Now and then
Do you wash your hands off me again
Wish me anywhere but home
Drunk and on the end of your phone

From time to time
Do you guess what's really on my mind
Guess that "How you're keeping now"
Means "Where are you sleeping now"

But of course it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did, you might reply that I have no right
And anyway I'm fine
Glad that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and I hope to die...

You'd be appalled
If you knew what I was doing when you called
Yes, I can see I'm blundering
And I always end up wondering

Will it ever be alright
To ask you where you spent last night
And can it be polite
The way we never write
'Cause I don't have the time
And anyway I'm fine
If I should tell a lie I'll cross my heart and I hope to die...

Oh, I know it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did, you might reply that I have no right
And anyway I'm fine that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie I'll cross my heart and I hope to die ...

I hope we'll never die...
I hope we'll never die...
I hope we'll never die...

Cross my heart...
Cross my heart...
Cross my heart...

anGeR maNagEmEnT

2005-09-18T01:47:00.000+08:00

again i can't sleep. to hell with this never ending work-hours carousel. more than my time, my sleep is becoming more and more of a scarcity. on the good side though, i get extra help in losing the baby fat. that is if i get to figure out a way to put my tummy to sleep. and i have to considering i need to be able to get the inches back in my leap.

anyway, week's been quiet. good. actually, the past month has been quiet so far. nothing to bother with. so far, so good. thank God. anyway, last week's Gospel was about forgiveness. one of those time when it seems Big Brother is talking to me. giving me The Word. well, it didn't mean as much last week as it does now. i mean, i guess the Gospel last week had a purpose. i'm not really good at forgiving. i'm good at forgetting, yeah... but i just can't be good at forgiving for past fouls. so i guess it's about time i do.

i've always had this notion that anger gives me the juice to push myself further. and i realize i mistake anger for competitiveness. and as much as time can heal wounds, maybe i just can't let time heal mine. and it may be late, but i guess it's about time i just do that. lately, i've been feeling anger consume me. and i know that's way bad. that's not me.

so i need to learn to forgive. forgive myself, forgive others. forgive the situations that never fit my grand scheme of things. forgive myself for falling short of what i aimed for. forgive others for taking unwarranted shots at me. i don't know how's it gonna go along, but i guess it's the right thing to do.

guess the baby fats not the only excess baggage i need to get rid of.

LovE foR thE gaMe

2005-09-07T00:58:00.000+08:00

i just got some good news last week... one of my best friends came back from japan... and their company is holding these weekly games in ayala alabang. pick-up games, afterwork battles. my friend took me along one time, and me and some of the guys played with his co-workers. after some time, it became a regular thing. local dudes versus the company guys... we'd have great games back then, have fun all the time. but it got stopped 'coz my friend started travelling back and forth to japan for work. now that he's back, we're playing again. and not only that, after eons of patiently waiting, seton finally inaugurated the gym. great place, i've seen it once or twice. parquet floor, glass boards, the works. so me and the guys are going to join the weekly battles with alumni dudes. exciting really. can't wait to get back in the game. i haven't had a decent game in weeks, and although i still got the touch, my moves are way off. just sucks really. but with all the games coming up, this is going to be one hell of a time.

i love the game so much. if there's one thing that i'll never ever give up besides God and my family and friends, it's basketball. and since there's nothing else that i'm doing as of the moment, no distractions, no problems, nothing to worry about... it's all about me and basketball. so i'm making myself 3 promises, to show my love for the game:

1. i'm going to get in shape - i just have to. can't fly when you have excess baggage. i really have to work hard to get into shape. can't really rely on my shooting forever. besides, there's so much more i can do when i'm in shape. so i need to eat my veggies, eat right and sleep right. can't abuse my body no more. i have to get into shape. and i will.

2. practice hard on my skills - i still need to work on some skills. my left hand is still weak. my handles are slow, and my passes range from sensational to stupid. so i gotta work hard on that. got to get better court vision, more range on my jumpers, be more aggressive with my drives. i need to spread the floor better. i need to finally figure out the low post. i need to get better.

3. work hard - i know i'm lazy... i need to change my mentality for the game. i need to work hard. grab every rebound, do all the little things that count. i have to run the floor. i need to have the will to go back to defense. i need to go that extra length to grab a rebound or come up with the steal. i have to learn how to shut people down. i have to work hard.

now i've just got my work cut out for me. this ain't easy, but i know it ain't gonna be. when you really love something, you gotta give it your all. and so i'm going to do everything to get better. all for the love of the game.

neW tOys

2005-08-29T02:52:00.000+08:00

i just bought a whole new personal computer. we really didn't need one, 'cause our old one is still working, and we really are not that much into techy stuff. so having a new pc is not in our list, although i've been hearing my dad wanting to buy us a new one. our old one was one of those branded computers that were sold in packages back in 1999. that was before china flooded the country with cheap parts and suddenly all the personal computers were being sold at half the prices they used to be. we all graduated from high school using that pc, and me and my sister graduated from college using that pc. now, our youngest sister is taking up comm arts at dlsu, and she needed a digital cam, which my dad happily obliged since he was planning to buy us one anyway. he bought us this relatively small, yet bulky digicam, that isn't actually for the everyday trigger happy flash loving dudes. it's like the cool digicam for photo pros, so we really got hyped up about it. it's got so many features, and hell it cost a lot. you could actually buy 2 digicams for the price of the one we got. but that wasn't where the problem was. the problem came in when i installed the software of the digicam on our pc. it turned out our pc couldn't handle the cam. so we had a cam which was so cool and a pc which isn't hot anymore. and since my sister needed a pc that can handle her video editing needs, we really had to buy a new pc. and guess what? i'm addicted to our new pc. it's got everything on it. can play cool sounds, and i can play a whole lotta games. flashing lights and cool sounds... my kind of gadget... so all i'm gonna waste my money on right now would be lots and lots of video games. i'm gonna have a great time with this pc... as for our old pc? well, we're keeping it... so that my and my sisters don't have to fight over who's gonna use the pc next. coolness.

iT's jusT a wOrD

2005-08-29T01:43:00.000+08:00

i usually don't talk about this, but i just am so fed up with anything to do with love and relationships. i think i'm just not cut out for these things. the world is upside down, and i've just about had it with love. i should have stopped believing in it a long time ago, but that little voice in my head kept on saying to give it one more try, 'cause this one might be it. well, i've had it with trying. you can only try and fail so many times. and i guess that's just it for me. i'm not cut out for these things. i've always tried to be the good guy and do all the right things. and what did i get? nothing but problems. you do the right things all the time and still everything goes wrong. so what am i supposed to do? pick myself up and try again? nah... been doing that all this time. when you ain't good at one thing, it's time to do another.

i've lost all my faith in love. it's just a word really. you can only have faith for so long and believe in it despite all the things that just messes up your life. i've had nothing but headaches and heartaches with love. and i just can't hack it anymore. so there. i quit. i'm throwing it away like a bad habit. sooner or later all the heartaches are gonna kill me, so might as well kick the vice. it ain't worth it anymore. it's all crap. and i just have to leave it all behind.

i'm probably sounding bitter right now, but why shouldn't i be? i've got every right to be bitter about it. i did everything right.all the time. and still i got messed up. heck, other guys out there do everything wrong and still get it right. and when i do everything right, i still get the wrong end of the stick. so what's up with that? i'm always sincere and honest with what i feel. no frills, no ulterior motives, no nonsense. and yet i always get shredded to pieces. and what about making that person feel special? i've always done everything i could to make that person i care for feel way special. and what happened? as always, it just blew up in my face. and not only that, but i always end up playing the part of the fool again and again. and they said as long as you're sincere everything's gonna turn out fine? crap. major crap.

love is supposed to make you happy. was i happy? oh yeah. i'm always happy at first. but giving you a chance to be happy has a consequence: you get equal chances to be sad. but the funny thing was, i was more sad that happy. damn, to be honest about it, i guess i'm even happier when i'm not in love with someone rather than when i am. and i'm just glad that i've come to my senses and just shut the door on love. it ain't worth the stress you know. and it doesn't mean that i'm not happy. hell, i'm happy. no one can tell me i'm not. i've got my friends with me, i'm doing alright, nothing to worry about. i've got everything i need, my family and friends and everything i care about is doing great. everything in my life is so great, so why should i spend time thinking about someone else? why should i spend my time and effort to think, care and worry for someone who doesn't even care? all i should be thinking about is myself. that's when i'll be truly happy.

so now all i'm gonna think of is myself. i'm getting mine. no need to worry about someone else. no need to think about someone else. no need to care for someone else. just me. all i need to worry about is me. and that's way better than caring for someone who doesn't give a damn. i don't need to be there for anyone but myself. love is just a word.

jusT wanT to pLaY

2005-08-29T01:36:00.000+08:00

right now, i just feel so fed up with everything that's going on. i just want to play ball. i don't want to think about anything else. i don't want to think about work, about fixing this and that, about being this and that, and just about everything that's going on. i just want to step on the court, hold the ball, and shut everything out. i don't want to worry about anything. i just want to play ball.

wiThouT yOu - cHarLiE wiLsoN

2005-08-27T13:45:00.000+08:00

it feels like a lifetime, a thousand days have passed by
since i held you close to me
if i could see that smile from my friend
i know that i could live again
i need you here with me

heaven knows what to say
even though for right now you're so far away
i hope and i pray
somewhere in your heart
i'll always stay

girl, lately my sun doesn't shine without you
never noticed what it feels like to be without you
feels like i took my last step and my last breath in my life ending
had to say just what i was feeling, girl
cause my sun doesn't shine, sun doesn't shine without you

this is more for me than for you
girl, i finally see theres no substitute for what we have
do you know how much i love you?

heaven knows what to say
even though for right now you're so far away
gonna tell you and show you
do whatever i can do to get back to you

girl, lately my sun doesn't shine without you
never noticed what it feels like to be without you
feels like i took my last step and my last breath in my life ending
had to say just what i was feeling, girl
cause my sun doesn't shine, sun doesn't shine without you

juSt TO sEe hEr - sMokEy rObiNsOn

2005-08-24T12:05:00.000+08:00

just to see her... just to touch her
just to hold her in my arms again
one more time
if i could feel her warm embrace
see her smiling face
can't find anyone to take her place
i've got to see her again

i would do anything
i would go anywhere
there's nothing i wouldn't do
just to see her again

i can't hide it... no... oh, i can't fight it
it's so hard to live without the love
that she gave to me,
doesn't she know it ...
i tried hard not to show it, oh
can't I make her realize
that she really needs me again.

i would do anything
i would go anywhere
there's nothing i wouldn't do
just to see her again

she brightened up my every day ...
made me feel so good in every way
if i could have her back again (to stay)
i've got to see her again

(just to see her) - i want to see her
(just to hold her) - hold her ... hold her ... hold her
(just to see her) - see her
(just to touch her) - touch her

i would do anything
i would go anywhere
there's nothing i wouldn't do
just to see her again

she brightened up my every day ...
made me feel so good in every way
if i could have her back again (to stay)
i've got to see her again

it would... it would... it would ...
make me feel so good
if i... if i could only see her again
there's nothin' I wouldn't do ...
aaah, don't you know it's true
if i could only see her again

thE LeTtEr

2005-08-23T03:08:00.000+08:00

in the compartment of my car, there sits a letter which until now i've forgotten was sitting there all along. sitting there, waiting to be opened. waiting to be read by the eyes that matter the most. whose words were inspired by the one who's supposed to read them. that letter contains the words that cannot possibly come out of my mouth and at the same time still capture with brutal honesty the intense emotions with which these words serve to give meaning to. whose words can only give hints but never really fully describe the beauty of what inspired them to be, of the one whose being gave breath and life to the words that try but fail to fully embody what is possibly the most beautiful feeling a person can ever be entitled to.

and yet, that letter will never be opened. those words will never be read, and their purpose will never come to fulfillment. they will forever be sealed in the dark, and they will never meet the eyes of whose beauty they speak of. the life these words have had in their midst has gone, and they will just but serve as a reminder of things that were never said, a thing that never was. and with each day that it sits there in the dark shadows of that compartment, the one whom they speak of will eventually fade away, leaving these words breathless, lifeless. and what could have been such a wonderful and amazing picture painted by these words will forever remain the ideas that never left the mind and settled on canvas, a flame lit but never kept alive.

and what shall i do with the letter? shall i burn it or keep it as it is?. it has lost its meaning, and should i burn it, in the flames they will forever be sealed, a secret that only i and the ashes share. someday out of these flames new words will rise, and hopefully, they will get to serve their purpose, and not just sit in the dark compartment of my car, waiting to be read, waiting to be opened, waiting to meet the eyes they have come into existence for.

wiShLisT

2005-08-23T02:26:00.000+08:00

i've had so much to deal with in the past few weeks that i totally forgot that it's barely 2 months before my birthday. and add to that fact that by september i'll have 6 months under my belt, which means i get to take days off and get paid for it. and with basically everything just being the perfect mess that it is, i guess i deserve a prize for just keeping my head above the water. and right now, i need all the backrubs i could get, be it in cash or in kind. so my wish list? lemme see what i'd probably hope to recieve, or possibly get myself...

1. cds would be a great start. first on my list, chillout project (house sessions by anton ramos)... from what i've seen there seems to be 2 volumes of that, so i guess i have to get both... second, the massacre by 50 cent... sweat and suit by nelly... and lastly, rhythm 'n gangsta by snoop dogg... not a bad list, huh?

2. lots of movie cds. lots and lots of cds that'll make me laugh and that'll basically entertain me... black knight, hitch, 50 first dates, starsky and hutch, zoolander, fantastic four, spiderman 1 and 2, the list goes on and on...

3. mp3 player. now this is what'll i'll probably get for my birthday... my cd player just can't hack it anymore, and it's a bother bringing lots of cd cases to wherever. so i'm thinking ipod. probably not, but then who knows.

4. new pair of shoes. which is always on my list regardless of whatever occasion it might be... now here, i'm thinking a pair of size 13 white and dark blue and1 remixes are totally perfect. and the lowtop light blue pair which i forgot the name. now who wouldn't feel good with new shoes?

5. new phone. i'm not really into phones, but the one i have right now kinda bores me a bit. i want one with flashing sights and cool sounds. but as i said, i'm not really into phones, so it's a big thanks if i ever do get one... my current phone serves my daily needs, so this ain't much of a deal for me... now back to that ipod...

timE to uNpLuG

2005-08-23T02:02:00.000+08:00

i got so burned up. i didn't actually see it coming, and i thought i could handle it anyway. but apparently i needed more power to keep up with everything that's going on. good thing i'm on break. got time to recharge the batteries. the moment i logged off, i was raring to go home. i just wanted to unplug myself from it all. i was so messed up i'm just about to snap. and the thing is, i don't actually snap. if there's something in me that i have tons of, it would be patience. but with the rate things are going, i just can't help but run low on patience. everything just finds a way to get so messed up. and all i want to do right now is to unplug. i just want to get away from it all.

right now all i'm wishing is a weekend on the beaches of bora. me, a chair, my shades on, gallons of fruit juices, earphones plugged in, and a whole lot of cds spinning the day away. sand, sea, shades, sights, sounds... the perfect cure. no calls, no messages, no worries, no nothing. that would be great. i just want to get away from it all.

evEr aFteR - bOnniE baiLeY

2005-08-23T01:47:00.000+08:00

three years ago, my journey began
chasing down this cure, no plan in hand
just your pulse, my racing guide in the dark
just knowing with conviction from the start

the moment your eyes made an introduction
i felt my second violent breath of life
flawless to the point of being godly
yet i fell hard for your imperfections

and now we're slightly weathered, we're slightly worn
our hands grip together, eye to eye through the storm, yet
i still believe in ever after with you, yeah
'coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
and there ain't no current in this river we can't ride
i still believe in ever after with you...

nothing compares to the good times
feels like we're floating when the rest have to climb
you made me believe in love and not the perfect kind
a real messy beautiful twisted sunshine
emotions volcanic eruptions
we both still care, so we're still alive
tunnel vision, determination
i want you, i want to make it right

and now we're slightly weathered, we're slightly worn
our hands grip together, eye to eye through the storm, yet
i still believe in ever after with you, yeah
'coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
and there ain't no current in this river we can't ride
i still believe in ever after with you...

you are my twisted sunshine...
you are my twisted sunshine...

and now we're slightly weathered, we're slightly worn
our hands grip together, eye to eye through the storm, yet
i still believe in ever after with you, yeah
'coz life is a pleasure with you by my side
and there ain't no current in this river we can't ride
i still believe in ever after with you...

wAiTiNg (savE yOuR LifE) - oMnisOuL

2005-08-23T01:18:00.000+08:00

haven't you had enough of my brain
it's on the table, i've got no more to say
if i bore you, then get out of my way
this one's for you

so cut me a break, 'cause i can't wait
i'm the same i was when we first met
and now i feel, you're pulling away
so just give me the word
and i'll leave today

but if you want me to, i'll be the one for you
maybe i can save your life
at times you've hated me, ain't that how love should be
so just let me save your life

there's a line formed that you can't see
i've been waiting, you give nothing for free
but there's a yearning, it's deep and calm
and time has burnt me

so cut me a break, 'cause i can't wait
i'm the same i was when we first met
and now i feel, you're pulling away
so just give me the word
and i'll leave today
yes, i'll leave today

but if you want me to, i'll be the one for you
maybe i can save your life
at times you've hated me, ain't that how love should be
so just let me save your life

don't you know me
i'm helpless without you
i watched you sleep so i could dream of you

if you want me to, i'll be the one for you
maybe i...
at times you've hated me, ain't that how love should be
so just let me save your life

baCk

2005-08-02T15:24:00.000+08:00

i'm back. after the initial installment i've finally come up with something to post here. the speaker box hasn't been working for the past 7 months, due to technical (actually, it's motivational) difficulties... but i've decided it's time to play. a lot has happened in the past months, and although i will not detail all the events, it has been good so far. i've found something to do, which is good, since i was dying of boredom the last time i posted something here. no money + nothing to do = death. what made me plug into the speaker box again? 'coz sound ain't supposed to be kept in. it's supposed to go out.

nEw

2005-01-06T01:36:00.000+08:00

i just finished reading kaye's blog... medyo nagstrike sa akin yung post niya about yung changes... ngayon ko nga lang din naexperience na umuulan pag new year... weird, 'coz the weather is always fine this time of the year... pero at least refreshing, something new naman... hindi yung lagi na lang mausok... in some other time hindi ko iisipin na ganito, pero hindi ko nafeel yung pasko... parang dumaan lang... or maybe because i was holding on to a different christmas meaning kesa dun sa dapat na hinahanap ko... maybe because i was holding on to christmas like the christmases when i was a kid. yung tipong christmas is in the lights, gifts, food, etc. now, maybe i should be searching for a new meaning to christmas... time to grow up? i don't know... how did i spend my christmas and new year? nung christmas, i went out at 8, went to my friends' houses and gave them their gifts, went to mass at 9:30, was home by 10:30... prepared food till 11:30... ate noche buena, opened my gift... yes, gift, kasi nag-iisa lang siya... texted my friends, went online... downed a couple of beers then slept. new year? almost the same routine... i grilled the chicken by 10, nagpaputok kahit na taon taon eh outgunned kami ng aming neighbor sa sobrang dami nilang paputok, ate media noche, texted my friends, went online, downed a couple of beers then slept... pretty plain routine... kaya lang, what's new is that ngayon lang nangyari yan... dati sobrang saya ng holidays... ngayon parang lumilipas na lang... parang feeling ko tuloy i'm too old for christmas. andami ding changes... this year, nakumpleto ko ung simbang gabi... that's a feat, considering i sleep at 2, wake up at 3 and go to mass at 4... tapos this year, isa lang ang gift ko... dati ang dami... ngayon nag-iisa... baby blue na towel... am i sad? nope... yun ang kakaiba pa... i'm not saddened by it all... siguro nga i'm growing up na... christmas is not in the lights, the gifts, the food, etc... christmas is in christ talaga... maybe yun na ang meaning na i should be looking forward to... christmas is a time na i should be closer to christ more than ever...

onE

2005-01-06T01:09:00.000+08:00

it's 1 am... there are so many 1's right now... so i guess 1 is a good thing to talk about... this will be my first post... actually, not my first post... but i just decided it should be. i just finished erasing all my previous posts within the last year... it's a brand new year, new start, so i guess i'd like to start all over again. back to square 1.