aLonE
been counting the days 'till my birthday. roughly 3 weeks, give or take. but apparently i've been counting far more than that. in 3 weeks time, it will be 24 years since i was born, and i've never felt this feeling before. that i am alone. that i have no one to share myself with. that for the past 24 years, i've never experienced how it is to part of something greater than myself. i've never really been bothered by it, but i guess sooner or later i'll come across this feeling no matter what. 24 years, and still i haven't had gone through a relationship. that i've never learned how it is to feel that someone out there cares for me. in a time when almost everyone i know is in the stage wherein they're probably looking out on the idea of possibly settling down, i haven't even had 1 single relationship to call my own. and as much as i would like to dismiss the idea, i feel alone.
you know when you're back in high school you have all this great ideas about falling in love and all that stuff. and when you're young and indestructible you tend to ride on these ideas and believe that nothing else can stop you. that you still had the faith to believe in things you can neither see or hear. well i had that, too. always believed that when you do things the right way, you can never go wrong. i was naive, but i believed. went through several experiences that would've made dawson, pacey and joey's problems seem kidstuff. but still i believed. in faith, trust, honesty, all those things that you ought to believe in.
but i've been through high school, been through college, been back in high school but as part of the other side, and still nothing happened. did all things right, still got the wrong end of the deal. and you can only keep the faith for so long. and i guess i'm growing up. all of us had to grow up. and i thought growing up was just a matter of thinking differently, acting differently. but apparently not. i've just realized that growing up means learning the word impossible. when you're a kid coming out, braveheart stuff, everything is possible. but growing up, you learn that some things are possible, some are not. and as it is, for me, relationships fall under the category impossible.
why am i still alone? i could give a couple hundred reasons, but they wouldn't be reasons at all. they'd just be excuses. bottomline? i am not good enough for anyone on the face of the planet. that's basically it. and i'm so tired of being good enough for other people and still falling short. i feel so drained already, of always believing and falling short. it's always hard to give everything you have just to keep your head above the water. and still i am alone. that's just the way it is. i ain't good enough for nobody. ugly, but true.
the truth is like sushi. no garnishings, served raw. and the way it just goes, guess i have to swallow that sushi whole. that some people's hands will always find a hand to hold on to, others have their hands empty for the rest of their lives. that i am one of those who hold on to believe in finding the most wonderful treasures of their lives, but will never ever get to find it. that you can come really close but never actually hold it in your hands
am i sad? yeah. it's never a happy thought when you think that you're no good for anyone else. that you're never good enough for the one person who you think is the best treasure in the world. that after all this belief, you still are alone. and that you will never, ever find that one person that will give you a chance to be part of something greater than your own.
24 years of being alone and counting.
posted by da_kiD @ 12:34 AM
14 Comments:
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don't worry, Love can come around when you least expect it. sometimes you'd even be the last to know you're actually in love -- with someone who feels the same way towards you, to boot. I know it's hard dealing with the loneliness, but you might as well make the most out of it. there's a reason for whatever's happening in our lives, & instead of worrying ourselves sick why, thank your lucky stars hehe for the things you already are happily aware of, as well as for the people who are there for you. do whatever you can to show that you cherish such people & things, as the proverbial time will come that you will be moving on to share your life with your future significant other.
yikes, sorry for the unsolicited advice, LOL.
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dude,
you're not alone in being alone (huh?). i've been alone for 21 years now and i know how it feels. there are times when i cherish my solidarity but there are also times when i wonder how it feels to be with somebody. i guess when you hit the 20's the needy part of yourself will emerge, which i despise by the way coz it makes me long for something i haven't even experienced.
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