Monday, September 26, 2005

aLonE

been counting the days 'till my birthday. roughly 3 weeks, give or take. but apparently i've been counting far more than that. in 3 weeks time, it will be 24 years since i was born, and i've never felt this feeling before. that i am alone. that i have no one to share myself with. that for the past 24 years, i've never experienced how it is to part of something greater than myself. i've never really been bothered by it, but i guess sooner or later i'll come across this feeling no matter what. 24 years, and still i haven't had gone through a relationship. that i've never learned how it is to feel that someone out there cares for me. in a time when almost everyone i know is in the stage wherein they're probably looking out on the idea of possibly settling down, i haven't even had 1 single relationship to call my own. and as much as i would like to dismiss the idea, i feel alone.

you know when you're back in high school you have all this great ideas about falling in love and all that stuff. and when you're young and indestructible you tend to ride on these ideas and believe that nothing else can stop you. that you still had the faith to believe in things you can neither see or hear. well i had that, too. always believed that when you do things the right way, you can never go wrong. i was naive, but i believed. went through several experiences that would've made dawson, pacey and joey's problems seem kidstuff. but still i believed. in faith, trust, honesty, all those things that you ought to believe in.

but i've been through high school, been through college, been back in high school but as part of the other side, and still nothing happened. did all things right, still got the wrong end of the deal. and you can only keep the faith for so long. and i guess i'm growing up. all of us had to grow up. and i thought growing up was just a matter of thinking differently, acting differently. but apparently not. i've just realized that growing up means learning the word impossible. when you're a kid coming out, braveheart stuff, everything is possible. but growing up, you learn that some things are possible, some are not. and as it is, for me, relationships fall under the category impossible.

why am i still alone? i could give a couple hundred reasons, but they wouldn't be reasons at all. they'd just be excuses. bottomline? i am not good enough for anyone on the face of the planet. that's basically it. and i'm so tired of being good enough for other people and still falling short. i feel so drained already, of always believing and falling short. it's always hard to give everything you have just to keep your head above the water. and still i am alone. that's just the way it is. i ain't good enough for nobody. ugly, but true.

the truth is like sushi. no garnishings, served raw. and the way it just goes, guess i have to swallow that sushi whole. that some people's hands will always find a hand to hold on to, others have their hands empty for the rest of their lives. that i am one of those who hold on to believe in finding the most wonderful treasures of their lives, but will never ever get to find it. that you can come really close but never actually hold it in your hands

am i sad? yeah. it's never a happy thought when you think that you're no good for anyone else. that you're never good enough for the one person who you think is the best treasure in the world. that after all this belief, you still are alone. and that you will never, ever find that one person that will give you a chance to be part of something greater than your own.

24 years of being alone and counting.

yOu'Re bEaUtiFuL - jaMeS bLunT

My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure
.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.


Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F**king high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.


You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

cRosS mY hEaRT - eVeRythInG buT thE girL

Now and then
Do you wash your hands off me again
Wish me anywhere but home
Drunk and on the end of your phone

From time to time
Do you guess what's really on my mind
Guess that "How you're keeping now"
Means "Where are you sleeping now"

But of course it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did, you might reply that I have no right
And anyway I'm fine
Glad that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie
I'll cross my heart and I hope to die...

You'd be appalled
If you knew what I was doing when you called
Yes, I can see I'm blundering
And I always end up wondering

Will it ever be alright
To ask you where you spent last night
And can it be polite
The way we never write
'Cause I don't have the time
And anyway I'm fine
If I should tell a lie I'll cross my heart and I hope to die...

Oh, I know it's not polite
To ask you where you spent last night
And if I did, you might reply that I have no right
And anyway I'm fine that you're no longer mine
If I should tell a lie I'll cross my heart and I hope to die ...

I hope we'll never die...
I hope we'll never die...
I hope we'll never die...

Cross my heart...
Cross my heart...
Cross my heart...

Sunday, September 18, 2005

anGeR maNagEmEnT

again i can't sleep. to hell with this never ending work-hours carousel. more than my time, my sleep is becoming more and more of a scarcity. on the good side though, i get extra help in losing the baby fat. that is if i get to figure out a way to put my tummy to sleep. and i have to considering i need to be able to get the inches back in my leap.

anyway, week's been quiet. good. actually, the past month has been quiet so far. nothing to bother with. so far, so good. thank God. anyway, last week's Gospel was about forgiveness. one of those time when it seems Big Brother is talking to me. giving me The Word. well, it didn't mean as much last week as it does now. i mean, i guess the Gospel last week had a purpose. i'm not really good at forgiving. i'm good at forgetting, yeah... but i just can't be good at forgiving for past fouls. so i guess it's about time i do.

i've always had this notion that anger gives me the juice to push myself further. and i realize i mistake anger for competitiveness. and as much as time can heal wounds, maybe i just can't let time heal mine. and it may be late, but i guess it's about time i just do that. lately, i've been feeling anger consume me. and i know that's way bad. that's not me.

so i need to learn to forgive. forgive myself, forgive others. forgive the situations that never fit my grand scheme of things. forgive myself for falling short of what i aimed for. forgive others for taking unwarranted shots at me. i don't know how's it gonna go along, but i guess it's the right thing to do.

guess the baby fats not the only excess baggage i need to get rid of.